How to Use the Four Options of DBT to Solve a Problem
Have you ever come up against a situation in your life that seemed impossible? One that overwhelmed you, no matter how many ways you tried to solve it?
Life sometimes presents each of us with what seems to be an impossible situation. When we feel overwhelmed, many of us become paralyzed with indecision, our minds reeling as we consider and then reject one possible solution after another. What a conundrum! By taking a step back and utilizing a problem-solving method, we can uncover options in any situation.
DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy developed by Marsha Linehan in the late 1980s, aims to help individuals identify and regulate intense emotions, improve interpersonal relationships, and develop coping strategies to manage distressing situations. DBT offers four basic options for handling any challenge: solving the problem, finding ways to feel better about the problem, learning to accept the problem or situation, or staying miserable. When a situation seems overwhelming, this basic framework can help us explore our challenges with curiosity, compassion, and wisdom, increasing our chances of a successful outcome.
Define the Problem
The first step is to define the problem. We start by stating the problem to ourselves the way we might as a reporter or a detective: Just the facts, ma’am! Who, what, where, when, and why. For instance, “I’m tired of living with my partner’s personality and habits, and I can’t decide if I should stay or move out.”
Choice 1: Solve the problem/make a change.
Once we have defined the problem, we evaluate the problem honestly: Is this a situation that is in my power to change or influence? If so, it is certainly worthwhile to try to make changes. We may not be able to change our partner, for instance, but we can change the way we communicate with our partner, and we may be able to negotiate a solution together.
Having defined the problem, we then need to consider possibilities for changing our situation. Brainstorming is one tried-and-true way to generate possible solutions to any given problem. We might start by taking a sheet of paper and writing down ideas, from the most practical to the seemingly ridiculous. When we review the list, we will probably find a few “gems”!
Once we have chosen a possible solution, the next step is to try it out. For instance, perhaps we have decided to talk to our partner about an annoying habit using an assertive communication technique. Having clarified our goal (what we would like to see change), we approach our partner to discuss our concerns. We may be able to work together to create this change, or at least achieve a compromise that is acceptable to both of us.
An important part of implementing a solution for change is to constantly evaluate the outcome. Is it working? If not, is there something we can tweak that would make a difference?
Choice 2: Find ways to feel better about the situation by changing our perception of the situation.
Sometimes we are not able to change a situation to our liking, or we may not currently be willing to take the steps we need to make a change. Assuming we are not in an unsafe situation, the next possible option is to change our point of view. Here we are trying to get through a challenging situation, at the very least without making it worse, and possibly using it to grow inner strengths. For instance, we can use a difficult situation to develop a specific quality, such as understanding, wisdom, or compassion. In some traditions, this is expressed as using challenges as “fertilizer” for personal or spiritual growth. Or we might consciously and deliberately use the challenge to develop skills, such as interpersonal skills, emotion regulation skills, etc. (for example, seeing a challenging interpersonal situation as an opportunity to practice assertiveness skills). In the case of an uncooperative partner, we may choose to use our interactions to learn something about ourselves, or to practice humility. Perhaps we don’t always have the right solution or perfect perspective!
Choice 3: Learn to accept the problem by practicing Radical Acceptance.
If we have no practical way to solve a problem, or if we are not yet willing to make a change, another approach we can try is to practice radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is based on the idea that it is often our resistance to a painful situation that causes extra or unnecessary suffering. You can think of this as a formula:
Pain x Resistance = Suffering
Practicing nonresistance in this case can decrease suffering because we are not constantly in an emotional struggle with reality. For instance, if our partner has a personality trait we find frustrating, we accept that his personality is unlikely to change. We may say to ourselves, “It’s true that I deeply wish my partner would change, but he has not, and possibly never will change.” We are practicing radical acceptance at two levels here: We are deeply acknowledging our own heartfelt desires without judgment, and we are accepting the truth of the situation with our partner. We acknowledge completely and with great self-kindness that we do not like the situation, without pouring unnecessary self-blame ourselves. It is natural to want to be happy! It is natural to want things that are not likely to occur, so radical acceptance can also help us to generate self-compassion.
Radical acceptance also helps to counteract self-compassion’s close cousin, self-pity. In the face of difficult challenges, it is easy to get caught up in a “woe is me” attitude. We may ask ourselves, “Why do these things always happen to me? This is so unfair!” Radical acceptance instead recognizes that life brings to each of us its share of both joys and sorrows. Practicing acceptance of this basic fact can bring a sense of equanimity and balance, freeing our energy to be applied wisely and creatively.
But by no means is radical acceptance an act of helplessness! Radical acceptance does not necessarily mean that we condone a situation. It does not mean tolerating abuse. With radical acceptance, we look at our situation with a clear-eyed, nonjudgmental attitude and simply acknowledge that it is our current reality. As psychologist and mindfulness instructor Tara Brach, PhD, author of the book Radical Acceptance, describes it, we can acknowledge the situation by saying to ourselves, “Yes, this, too.” This, too, is a part of our current reality. It is what it is, at least for now.
Choice 4: Stay Miserable
If we cannot or are not yet ready to make a change, are not ready to consider changing our perception, and can’t quite yet accept a situation, we may be realistically left with just feeling miserable. And that’s okay…if we don’t use it as an excuse to beat ourselves up! There is nothing to keep us from exploring the first three options, but the crucial piece here is awareness. As we stay miserable, we notice and honestly evaluate: How does it feel? Does our situation stay the same or possibly get worse? How does it impact our thinking? What does it mean for our actions? We simply stay aware and just keep noticing what it is like to stay miserable.
Putting the Four Options into practice.
Now that you have learned about the Four Options, you are ready to put this information into action! Choose a problem or challenging situation that is present in your life and run it through the above options. It might be helpful to start with a smaller, less emotionally charged challenge the first time you try out this approach. In a sense, this approach is a “no lose” approach. Every time you utilize this process, you will learn something new. Make it your own! Armed with the Four Options, you never need to feel completely lost. You will always have a “road map” to making sense of your life’s challenges.
